The Art of the Deal; a Sequel*
Let’s say that he wrote a sequel… What might a publishers synopsis look like?
The Art of Dealing with a Global Crisis
Chapter 1: What to do if your Intelligence Agencies inform you in January of your re-election year that a health crisis of historic proportions is imminent…
A) Ignore and do nothing (OMG this situation was so unfair!). Easy to do because if you don’t read, especially complex things like intelligence briefings.
Chapter 2: What to do in February when the news of this impending disaster starts to leak out…
A) Fake News! It’s just the evil media trying to get people worried. Next strategy: act like an authority with no credentials, training or experience. Claim that this will just be like another form of the ordinary flu. A few may feel a little sick. Play the ‘Nothing to see here card!’ Then, poof, this bug will vanish and we will be back into your re-election cycle.
Chapter 3: What to do when the global crisis accelerates by the end of February…
A) Assemble your team to respond to the crisis that is now on our doorstep. Name your Vice President who claims that prayer is more important than science to head up the team. You may need to use him as a scape goat down the road if it all goes to hell. Do not put anyone credible on this team that you don’t completely control! Therefore, only B players in healthcare alongside the incompetent sycophants acting as your Cabinet Secretaries (Because they are so worthless the Republicans you control in the Senate won’t even affirm them) should make up this team. Then, because it is consistent with the ‘Shut the borders to all but white people’ that your loyalist love, restrict Chinese from coming to the US. However, be on the lookout for anyone using the phrase ‘Closing the barn door after the animals have already left…’
Chapter 4: What to do when the investment markets implode in a clear statement of lack of confidence in your leadership…
A) Blame Obama! It’s not your fault that your predecessor made such bad decisions, like creating a Pandemic Task Force so that our country would be better prepared for what was deemed by actual health experts as inevitable. No, your loyalists don’t believe in any government functions. It was a smart decision to kill the Pandemic Task Force and cut the CDC to the bone. Much better to take resources away and build your beautiful wall to protect us from a few thousand brown families who would like to become Americans.
Chapter 5: What to do when the investment markets fully realize how little leadership is coming from Washington and sell off worse than during the “Great Recession” of 2008….
A) First, lie! Always a winning strategy. There will be a million test kits out by the end of the week! Anyone who wants a test will get one! It won’t be bad in the US, we’re exceptional! Next, it’s time to put some actual experts on your team under the VP. The challenge is to force the real experts to avoid conveying the depressing truth. The experts keep talking about social distancing and shutting things down like China did. Beware! If you exert leadership and require changes like shutting things down, the US economy will tank and your chances of re-election will plummet. So you need to keep spinning the plate within your red States that this is a media/Democrat overblown issue, give lip service about social distancing and let the State Governors like in California and New York fill the national leadership void by taking bold moves. Let them run up the hill against the machine guns I say! I avoided the draft the same way. Who knows, if it works in those two giant States, you can always claim ownership because it was on your watch!
Chapter 6: What to do when the investment markets continue to drop and there is increasing reports of not enough testing and shortages of medical equipment…
A) Double down! Lie more! Claim there are millions of test kits in the pipeline. Shout ‘Don’t listen to the fake news!’ Then, because countries like Italy are becoming regional disasters, even though they are white, wall off Europeans from the US! After all, those snooty EU leaders haven’t treated you well…so unfair. But don’t wall off the UK, their leader is your lap poodle. Ignore the fact that the infection in the UK is just as bad as the rest of Europe.
Chapter 7: What to do when the markets keep declining and the news gets worse as crisis conditions deplete healthcare supplies…
A) Eventually lies lose their impact. Market declines tell you this because unfortunately, while you are able to spin the story positively in press conferences you control and through media channels you control, like FOX, the markets care less about spin and react in an unvarnished fashion. When this happens, try a diversion. Claim that sick brown people are washing over the border. Not only are they murderers and rapists, they all carry the disease. Redirect resources away from healthcare supplies to the border! You also need to deflect. Keep the blame away from you. Change the name of the illness. Call it the ‘Chinese virus’.
Chapter 8: What to do when the estimates of the damage to the US economy suggest that the US is in a decline that may parallel the Great Depression and the investment markets free fall…
A) Time to start throwing ‘Hail Mary’ passes. Claim, even though you are speaking out of your rear, that miracle drugs are just about to be rolled out. With Presidential authority alone, claim that an old drug, intended for malaria, with all kinds of side effects, may be the silver bullet for the crisis. Force all experts on your team and all Governors to sing your praises in every sentence they speak. How, easy! You have the BIG checkbook. Only you can print money. You have the supreme authority. After all, they need you and your power. You don’t need them.
Chapter 9: What to do as the lack of national leadership results in a breakdown of normal society functions with record unemployment, significant unrest, food shortages, and record deaths from this infection…
A) Silver lining! Invoke Martial Law and suspend elections…after all, holding elections under crisis conditions would be very unfair, especially given that by now, the red States that blindly followed you are sick as hell while blue States like CA and NY are stabilizing. Now that’s a good deal!